Expressive.. Almost

2011-07-28T01:32:00.000-07:00

July 28th..Seems like forever since i felt like i do now. The feeling of finally fitting in where i am supposed to. When that happens, it does have it's own feeling of satisfaction, and time slows down.. Life is never a perfect image, and we humans keep what was dear to our lives in hopes of having all the pieces in place for that moment in time when we can stand back and admire what we thought of as the perfect life. I hope to get that far, and get that much.. Although at times i had thought my road as more bumpy than the rest, at least i try, right?

2011-07-26T05:07:00.001-07:00

Night has fallen over day at last,
Events of today has now gone past,
Whispers of thoughts and shadows of dreams,
Clouding our hearts, or so it seems..

Thoughts came wandering of better times,
When the grass was green and hearts' afloat,
Dreams of displaced places in time,
Intending to fill an empty heart with hope..

It was just a dreamer's dream i had,
When all thoughts had turned dark and forlorn,
Upon these skies that stars now adorned,
An attempt to add smiles to a world gone mad..

A naivete attempt, for that i am sure,
To help heal a wounded heart,
Even after all i endured,
Here i still am, to play my sad part..

Perhaps the one will finally see,
That boy in the corner trying to stay brave,
Maybe someone would understand at last,
It is not just my heart i wanted to save..

It is yours..... :-)

2011-05-15T19:31:00.000-07:00

A brand new day, and a fresh start.. What most hope for, but never really achieved, in part, or completely. I sincerely hope that every day that goes by the world would get better and wiser, and for once, the news on tv would have something nice to say instead. But i guess being a hoping optimist has its own strange tides, i guess.. Was it wrong to hope so?

2011-04-26T08:47:00.000-07:00

Thoughts for the night

The night is calm and uncommonly still,
Overcast sky and a midnight chill,
I sat outside of my apartment today,
To sort out the things my mind has to say..

Writing the thoughts of a sundered dreamer,
Of hopes and dreams of an age long ago,
The confused thoughts of a mind that wander,
Searching for peace that it had lost so..

Recovering what is lost takes time they say,
Never mentioning the price that i have to pay,
Salvaging a life from the wreckage of old,
Trying to relight a fire that has gone cold..

2011-02-13T18:50:00.000-08:00

I say i am healed, but why does my heart hurt?

I said i am whole, why am i fragmented..?

I say i'm happy.. but why am i in tears..?

2010-11-25T09:03:00.000-08:00

I am not usually a confrontational person.. I tend to stay out of politics in the office, i keep from entangling myself in grapevine, and i do not dabble in rumors (not entirely, anyway..) But when other people push you over the edge, damn right you can be vocal.. But how far can you go, really?

2010-11-23T02:37:00.000-08:00

Maybe

Maybe i am just tired and worn,
It has been that way since early morn,
Maybe i shall get better later,
Such poor luck, in a day that should be better..

Day by day i walk these halls,
The same faces, the same old greets,
Mundane tasks for a mundane world,
Life, like a glory, slowly unfurl..

Maybe it is the loneliness speaking,
Perhaps one day you shall think of me,
I may place hope, as the clock keeps ticking,
Bare walls and silence there to remind me..

Day by day i had always been,
Flushed with hope, but yet unseen,
Stealing glimpses of a future in a pair,
A vain hope, perhaps, at least i dared..

Maybe my dreams will one day come true,
As my hopes had been real, so long ago,
Perhaps it is a wishing heart grown anew,
Or an obsession i could not let go..

Afraid to miss out, treasure hidden there may be,
Thoughts in mind cropping up unbidden,
Of lowering my guard, of bearing my soul,
If life permit me to be so bold..

Maybe someone may read my thoughts in rhyme,
Maybe that person will understand in time,
That i write to you now to soothe my soul,
And pick up the pieces to make it again whole..

2010-06-20T07:41:00.000-07:00

Dark envelops the evening sky,
Street lights glow for passers by,
Concrete jungle i call my home,
As hard a place where man would roam..

Passed a hallway full of ghosts,
Of past lives and past deeds all laid bare,
Love, loss and exaggerated boasts,
Nothing escapes truth's open stare..

2010-05-17T22:59:00.000-07:00

Some say love is a legend, and say that love is an impossibility that would always be sought after..

Some would say that love does exist, and that romantic love is the greatest thing of all..

What do i think about this matter, really?

For all i know love is intent, and that by being honest i would stand head and shoulders above those with a reason to love. But what do i know? I'm just another person with feelings i kept best to myself. Maybe i'm in love, maybe i'm not, but the defining moment can only come if she comes to believe that the person she looks at would be the one that would ultimately be..human..

2010-02-23T18:44:00.000-08:00

I spent most of my life either observing people or be observed by others. Everyone does. But the thought of the day is the same question i ask myself in the mirror each day.. Am i a good man? God, i try to be.. But in the end i have to make myself believe that the hard road is the right road, and that by doing my best in whatever tasks i do would help me go forward in the long run.. Life is never a straight and narrow, i say. But when the desires of the heart versus the needs of duty diverge, how am i to balance it out? how could anyone?

2010-01-31T20:48:00.000-08:00

*Sigh*

Feet to the ceiling, head on the floor,
Wierd or weary, i couldn't tell anymore,
With all these things that happen of late,
unsavory things to chew on my plate..

Work is work, is all i can say,
While there is still a purpose to stay,
Hard at thoughts of work in my head,
Now thinking of life instead..

Faces come and faces go,
What horrors they might bring, i would never know,
A flood of tasks, unable to hold,
My workload would increase tenfold..

One did manage to catch my attention,
A fair lady, as i should mention,
Managed to roll me back to my feet,
As i panicked and managed a squeaky greet..

The stuff she gave is okay, i say,
And reasonable too, a great clue,
For once someone that is happy to stay,
Why would she choose me, i never knew..

As i work my way to completion,
I'd steal glimpses of the person in mention,
Maybe, maybe, i say to me,
Laughed at the silly thought that got free..

My thoughts and the feel is just my own,
although i wish i could still share,
Maybe i'm just a wishing clown,
Keeping my heart from being laid bare..

I should now get back to work,
But knowing now that life is a perk,
To see, to smile, and remember that face,
A visiting sunshine in a dark enclosed space..

At least i'm good at this, i say to me,
And some of these things are not so bad,
I imagine the disaster if somewhere else i be,
I guess there's a lot of things i am glad..

2009-12-01T04:32:00.000-08:00

Thoughts Of December

Cold is the night air, that seeps through my sill,
Clear skies now, glimmer of stars forever,
Ruminations of my life, ebb and spill,
Here in my room, with thoughts of december..

I thought of my past, of my deeds and woes,
Of things i am thankful, and the things i am not,
Nostalgic i may be, only god really knows,
And the wiles of fate i knew i fought..

I thought of my present, full of uncertainty,
Of the things i had done that made me this way,
To live my life well, my steps with surety,
To find the right balance, and make it stay..

But what of my future, that i know not?
Of choices of consequence, of which door to take?
Mistakes are many, and oft hard to spot,
Afraid i may be, with so much at stake..

Life is a set of uneven rules,
That change and shift like a coming tide,
Fighting the waves like a drunken fool,
Unable to run, impossible to hide..

Oh, thoughts of December! i would say this,
That worry is not the thing for me,
Not all of life is meant for bliss,
The lessons are hard, but oft is free..

Perhaps from mistakes glory be made,
Or maybe understanding beyond the eyes,
In future perhaps, before memories fade,
Day by day, as the next year flies..

2009-10-11T03:22:00.000-07:00

I had always believed that questions of the heart can only be answered by direct action. I had believed that life teaches you to be brave and stand up for what you believe, and i had believed that moments that melt an icy heart has to be remembered in mind.. Perhaps i'm just an old fashioned romantic idealist, i don't know. There are things about my life i'm always grateful for, and there are moments when i regret, same as everyone else. But how do you really pick up threads of an old life, even though some are bitter pills to swallow indeed?

2009-07-29T09:13:00.000-07:00

Home

The road is long and often winding,
Cool breeze of the night softly singing,
Southward bound swift and far,
Journey home under glittering stars,

Life abroad and its long labours,
Tiresome duties and bothersome favours,
Soon it is good to be home again,
To regain pieces of a life that's taken,

Through hills and passes as miles go by,
Happy thoughts grew as time would fly,
Landmarks i know the further i roam,
A mile behind means closer to home,

I know it's not so far away,
Where tired feet would soon take rest,
Home is where i belong best,
And home is where my soul would stay..

2009-07-01T22:09:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure most have felt this before. Loneliness is a state of mind, or so they say. But i don't know why, but i do have that feeling. The blues, some called it. I don't know if anything can lift this heavy thing off my shoulders, but i hope something, anything might come along and give me what i need to remove it..*sigh*

2009-06-08T09:15:00.000-07:00

Stay

When i came to see you off away,
I always thought to ask you to stay,
a chalky hello and a speechless pout,
Forming words that never came out..

I dreamt of adventures we would have together,
Of trips to lands far beyond,
The two of us, happy and unbound,
Treating life as a trifle matter..

I would bring you to the edge of the great sea,
To a wide snowy land draped in white,
Have a picnic among penguins and polar bears,
And have a night bathed in light so bright..

So stay with me, stay with me,
Auroras at night and snowmen all year,
Nowhere but with you i'd rather be,
I will never shed a frozen tear..

But words still would not leave my lips,
A few simple words, but so hard to say,
Too eager am i to avoid any slips,
Only to regret once you went away..

You came to me, with your melancholy smile,
Sad as it was at our parting,
You took my hand and held it a while,
And gave me a gift, as a little something..

I wished we could spend time, just us two,
To walk in the gardens we once tended together,
Just to reminice the good times we went through,
As happy friends whose company matters..

So stay with me, stay with me,
Glories in the morning and Roses in the evening,
Sitting under the stars with you i'd be,
Happiness together without an ending..

But how can i tell you when courage have i not?
what am i to say when i finally do speak?
That my heart has fallen, such is my lot,
To one friend i found, without a need to seek..

When finally saw you go have i,
On the train due west on platform five,
My lips finally moved and whispered your name,
As sad as the day before you came..

But lo, i remembered your gift to me,
I almost forgot in my moment of loss,
A note written and addressed to me,
The hope in my heart it has finally caused..

'Stay with me, stay with me, O' dearest friend,
I know you love me and it's plain to see,
To the great blue sea or the gardens of our hands,
My heart shall be with you, and you to me..'

2009-04-08T04:39:00.000-07:00

Rainbows In The Rain

Skies grow dark, and clouds gather,
Winds will howl, leaves will scatter,
Down comes the rain from heaven's grey skies,
lightning strikes earth, and thunder replies..

Lonely souls, with lonely hearts,
Running for cover on the earth far below,
The world slows down as the raindrops fall,
A time for thoughts to wander and go..

The skies may be clouded, dark and grey,
Veiling the sun from shining it's glory,
But glow it still does, where it should stay,
A reminder of goodwill when it seems contrary..

Lo! the clouds part, and reveal the skies,
Following the winds west to the horizon,
Crisp bright blue, beautiful by comparison,
A long straight rainbow in the middle it lies..

Lonely souls with lonely hearts,
Eyes now fixed on up high,
Hope and smiles in equal parts,
A singular miracle, in a great grey sky..

As the clouds closed its open seams,
The light of the sun begins to move,
Nothing is ever what it seems,
As nature seems to always prove..

Time may pass before all is done,
Cleansing the world of all that's before,
The past moves on so the future may run,
A new chapter begins at its very core..

2009-03-30T07:03:00.000-07:00

Dreams..Every person on this planet has dreams. Every soul has aspirations and needs, wants and hopes, and everything else that makes a person..human. But the question for the moment is that how much do we need to sacrifice for an ideal? how much are we prepared to lose for it?

2009-03-20T01:17:00.000-07:00

Life

Have you ever felt the mid autumn breeze?
Or stood in a rain of fallen leaves?
Perhaps sat down on a beach facing the sea?
Or watch life below from a great old tree?

Sometimes we forget life is just simple,
We frown so much it erases our dimples,
It's easy to believe the lies life preached,
To attain goals we should not have reached..

Perhaps life on its own is its own art,
With us as the actors doing our own part,
We earned the right to stop and relax,
To enjoy life and just be lax..

2009-03-04T04:56:00.000-08:00

Words.. some view words as simple little things, trivial beyond hard facts. Some view words as just a means of communication, but never really see it beyond what it is worth. Some..well..some managed to find the meaning of words..but not everyone understands them.. Words can express all that you need to tell a person a feeling, but sometimes words are not enough.. What do i say to that?

2009-03-02T01:56:00.000-08:00

Chance At Love

Sun comes up and i lie awake,
Cloudy morning in the sky above,
another day i shall have to take,
Standing in life for a chance at love..

Staring myself in the bathroom mirror,
wondering if today's my day,
Or perhaps just another working terror,
and another evening in the hay..

Groomed myself as best i could,
Even wore my best shirt today,
Put my stuff back the way it should,
Working again to earn my pay..

Scooped up my bag and walked out the door,
And wished myself luck to begin the day,
Perhaps even hope for a little bit more,
That someone perfect might come my way..

I'll spend my whole day in the office what's more,
and probably get lost in all that work,
Half at a hope, half at the chore,
Until the day grows old and it gets dark..

I suppose my day is not today,
As i came home now to a well deserved rest,
But disappointed i'm not,my hopes still stay,
Good things do come at patient's best..

A smile crept my lips as i lie in bed,
As i turned off the lights on the ceiling above,
Tomorrow may even surprise me yet,
While i'm standing in line for a chance at love..

2009-03-01T07:48:00.000-08:00

Ugh..it's a sunday night.. Which means tomorrow is a working day..Ugh some more.. Heck,I might as well write something..But what? I'm seriously drawing a blank on the poetry department these days,with all the work coming in and the long hours i spent in the office (oh, and the working saturday? *grumble* grumble*) . Which is to say i'm having starting to develop a Triple-B Condition (Bored,Blanked and Broken).
It's been raining hard this past week or so, as if the sky is trying to make up for all those hot days last month.If only i could just get to my car.. Cheers all! and sorry for the wierd entry..

2009-02-26T23:57:00.000-08:00

Lost

I am tired, lonely and low,
I am weary, beyond the means i know,
Crowded streets, yet empty in my eyes,
even the clouds seem shaded in gray dyes..

I do not know why i felt this way,
Perhaps a debt i have yet to pay,
Perhaps even a soul in anguish,
worried that my heart may perish..

Fronting my eyes to a stormlit sky,
The way is dark, but i still tread by,
Hoping soon the rain would end,
To find sanctuary, with wounds to tend..

My thoughts kept coming to you,
A fixture in mind, faded and gray,
Flashes of the past kept passing through,
lacking the strength to keep them at bay..

My thoughts wander to a means for hope,
Anything i may find to help me cope,
A word, a talisman to ease the pain,
To climb back out from this pit i have lain..

Stumbling on through the night,
Staring forward to oblivion beyond,
Fighting just to stay upright,
Refusing to succumb to the final bond..

Perhaps there is light soon at the end,
Or perhaps salvation in the next bend,
Either way there is only forward,
With no clue to what i am heading toward..

Such is life, people would say,
To stumble blind in choices we made,
Night may soon turn to day,
And painful memories shall begin to fade..

2009-02-16T04:46:00.000-08:00

A Girl And Her Rose

There once was a garden at the edge of town,
Its beauty serene, full of renown,
Lovers and poets have come to behold,
The timeless magnificence of nature's hold..

There i was as a lonely young man,
Trying to make sense of a changing world,
The warm summer sun, the rivers it ran,
kept my heart from running cold..

I saw her then, perfection personified,
The grace of angels among red roses,
To say i have not loved, i would have lied,
she had opened my heart, and it never closes..

She favored roses, and sang to the sky,
Her smile is warm in the summer sun,
Her spirit soars up on high,
No one on earth can take away her fun..

She visited always, a curious place,
As rose bush with only one rose,
Beautiful it was, but lonely so,
With her company loneliness be replaced..

I approached her now, my heart in love,
But she in turn fades away,
Her soft laughter echoes in the heavens above,
fading away from where she laid..

I shall not forget what i had seen,
I shall not forsake where i had been,

That time seemed so long ago,
As i walked through the arch to that once blessed land,
I passed the gardens that she once roamed,
To a statue of a maiden with a rose in her hand..

2009-02-08T02:17:00.000-08:00

Love Is..

Love is a rainbow in a clear blue sky,
Love is a rose in a field of thorns,
Love is truth amid the lies,
Love is hope, when all is forlorn..

Love is both pain, and it is pleasure,
Love is need unveiled,
Love is a beating heart, beyond measure,
Love is madness to which my mind rails..

Love is victory, and it is defeat,
Love is peace, yet the mind is at war,
Love is love, when souls meet,
Love is forgiveness, when all is scarred..

2009-01-14T02:17:00.000-08:00

Dreams

I dreamt of roses and wild gardenias,
In a garden hedged by rows of orchids,
Girdled and blanketed by fields of stars,
Breathtaking in beauty, no memory could rid..

I dreamt of a home, by the great blue sea,
A serene abode by the glittering sands,
no other place i may choose to be,
A place to call home in beautiful lands..

I dreamt of a love, beautiful and warm,
whose eyes are peace and hands are care,
To weather the world, arm in arm,
And burdens we shall together bear..

I dreamt of a life that is peaceful and happy,
With all my heart, i still wish so,
But will the weight of dreams in life apply?
Only with time will i finally know..

2009-01-08T07:21:00.000-08:00

It's a new year.. A new dawn... A new working year.. Damn..i got to get my act together..Well.. For all those readers who managed to find their way to this little corner of my mind, welcome and happy new year to you..yay..i think..

I hope this new year brings me newer ideas to use in my poetry sessions, and if i manage to find any stragglers from yesteryear, I'll be sure to spruce it up before posting, aye?

Oh, and one more thing..For those who called themselves my friends..Thank you for being there for me through storms and shadow. If it weren't for you I'd hit a reef and sank long ago. So, thanks..I mean it..

2008-10-24T06:42:00.000-07:00

The last Of The Elves

I stood still, on a windy autumn breeze,
To still my soul, to shut my eyes,
The rustle of leaves in the tall old trees,
The hint of winter up in the sky..

I walked now, among wise old friends,
That sung me stories of an age long past,
I listen close, for the music never ends,
Stilling the mourning of the lonely last..

I sat down now, on a great old oak,
My ancient friend i knew for life,
My child, my man, my old wretched self,
proudless memories cut like a knife..

I remember now, of impossible beauty,
Of the efforts i made to be just mortal,
Mistakes i made that seem far to petty,
The crashing end to which i fall..

The winds of autumn, i hearken to thee,
I envy thy freedom, to fly away free,
To be chained to the earth, an elemental forsaken,
To wait for the fates, my soul be taken..

I longed for the life i once had lived,
To see again true love and care,
To undo the faults for which i grieved,
Redemption now will be my fare..

Zephyr brushed my tears away,
The loving hand of earth itself,
I stood up now, bowed and fey,
Spending my penance in the years i have left..

Spirits have come and begun to play,
As the light of dusk come streaks and halves,
Treading the forests till i fade away,
The end of my kind, the last of the elves..

2008-10-04T10:31:00.000-07:00

Sometimes

Sometimes i wonder, why the skies are blue,
Or how the eagle's flight is true,
Sometimes i have such thoughts to ponder,
With each asked question, the answer gets harder,

Sometimes i wish, that i have friends,
Understanding and loyal, to the very end,
Sometimes i hope, my dealings fair,
That nobility and honor, are not just theatrical flair,

Sometimes i watched, my life went by,
To be happy in life, at least i try,
I should try to return what cruelty has taken,
To bring sunshine in a world forsaken,

With each passing day i lived my life,
With every new dawn i learn again,
To hold on tight, through up or down,
And strike a balance, between smile or frown,

Of all those words that was left unspoken,
Of all the promises bent and broken,
Time enough to set it all right,
To try to bring light to an oncoming night,

Sometimes i smile in spite of all,
As the tides of life enthrall,
Happy i am to still stand tall,
A toast to friends, life and all..

2008-09-24T08:52:00.000-07:00

Oriana

In all that's fair, beauteous and sublime,
A race to withstand the tests of time,
With youthful visage hearts implore,
A graceful presence that shook the world's core

With a heart full of yearning and awe,
My hands shook with such intensity,
Soul smitten and wanting, as such i saw,
Those raven tresses, those eyes of ebony

A vision i had of beauteous Oriana,
as often i dreamt of thee,
Thy moonlight dance among wild gardenias,
Starlight shines thy spirit free

Her sweet smile, her delicate visage,
Have etched forever in my mind's image,
Her soft spoken words, her warm embrace,
To be parted from this dream, i cannot face

How my heart could have fallen so far?
Tis' a question i know not the answer to,
A man of men, conquered by dreams,
A fever of love none could undo

How i yearn for perfect Oriana,
The lady of dreams, The queen of hearts,
So close to me, but yet so far,
Thy love is not for me

Dawn had come and mist abate,
To draw cold steel and meet my fate,
To say farewell to comrades and lives,
and rush to glory with bloody knives,

But forget i did not, of my sweet Oriana,
Of the gentleness and love shown by thee,
Thy banner has reached the pinnacle of my heart,
Glad now i lived to see such beauty

Oriana! Lovely Oriana!
Thou honored me with such grace!
To see you this life, if not the next,
an angel among mortals, on earth's face..

2008-09-17T05:18:00.000-07:00

Fasting Blues

Another Day..another fasting day, and another day spent to the accomplishment of the next.

Another hour..waiting for the clock to pass the threshold of buka puasa time, and another hour before the day itself is done.

That's me and my brain, just feeling the strain of routine. Apparently puasa's slowed down attitude towards working life is never really a welcome affair. I constantly find myself working tediously to pass the time, only to find mere minutes have passed between point A and point B. Could it be that i unwittingly work faster during puasa? or is it the bizarre order of my brain that fidgets and squeams its way towards reminding me to look at the watch most of the time?

Nevertheless it's a responsibility i take seriously. Like what i told my close friend before, 'obligations are obligations, i guess..' In a way i'm kinda proud of taking the whole experience in stride. It's only 30 days in a whole year that i ever get to do this anyway. Besides, if no one's going to remind you of the suffering the rest of the world is going through, god might as well give the reminder to you himself.

Well.. enough of my food depraved ranting.. i heartily wish happy buka puasa to all those muslim readers out there that might have found this blog by accident or otherwise. Hang in there..just a few minutes more.. cheers all!

2008-06-21T09:39:00.000-07:00

Poem For Anna

The skies so blue, and earth so green,
My thoughts and memories faded and grey,
To reminice of the places i've gone and been,
The path i had known has withered away,

As life i once thought was now long gone,
The protective shell of an innocent child,
Of my failures the lessons all are borne,
To face again the world so wild,

In a world where tears can turn to stone,
And fires of passion can turn to ice,
The child in me fears to the bone,
Of the future in life, full of malice,

My choices seem right, but yet so wrong,
The fates of life, hung by a thread,
Indecisive i am, but is it so wrong?
To fear outcomes of decisions gone bad,

But realize i did, that fear never answers,
It serves to mislead the unwary soul,
In my blindness i had let myself be mastered,
The pain echoed deep in my soul,

Perhaps in time i will yet learn,
Fate favors those who remain,
True to their path, and true to themselves,
Standing fast now to weather the rain.

For a great friend, with whom i have never met, but close as stars as to a moon in bloom..cheers!

2006-12-05T03:42:00.000-08:00

This month's been a troubling month... Ever had the feeling that in your life Murphy's law tends to get the drop on you more often than other people? Ever had that feeling that almost everything in your life seems to go wrong at that exact time in your life when you welcomed none? If you have, then we share something in common, i guess.. This month is wierd.. first all seems promising, with a new sparkling job, with a strengthened sense of purpose in life, and with a renewed faith in a better future, then all of a sudden all of those seemed to disappear in a poof of smoke.. i really have no idea why tho.. have i ever wronged someone in a way that they cast a voodoo higgly-jiggly wally wally boom boom spell on me to make me more miserable than i already am? have a done something in a past life that god suddenly decides to make me pay for it in full now? i honestly do not have the answer to that question..All i know is that it's a downslide.. and i guess the only lucky thing is that it still hasn't spiralled out of control yet.. God! i hope not..

Well.. i managed to scrounge up the speed to complete a spread of the jobs i need to do today..(Some good news at last, i wager) and i guess it's a better term considering that on a normal day i'd be struggling to finish my job..Hmph! And to call myself an editor...Well.. age makes you wiser, i guess, and i suppose in some ways or another i am improving somewhat. In times like these sometimes i wish i had my old college friends with me.. I suppose it's really too much to ask for something that happened so long ago. I miss them all, i guess.. Especially when i recalled that they were the ones that helped me through all those young college phases that all of us had to go through.. Hell, they stayed that way right up until long after we finished, which earned them a place in my heart until the day i meet my own end and meet god.. I wish them well, always..

Time to be master and commander of my own fate now.. got to get back to work..

2006-10-28T03:29:00.000-07:00

Well..here i am, and yes.. i know i've been away, been too quiet for too long now.. it's just that in these times i felt like i needed to rearrange my life and at least make sure everything is in order before i move on to the next stage. I know that life teaches it's students to be patient in the things that pertain big, hard decisions, and i have absolutely no intention to jump queue in that respect. These past year has been quite a ride, having to work in a broadcast company and all (SOON to be former workplace anyway) of all the things i thought i could actually learn from a place like that i realised that i ended up learning much about the psychology of other human beings that u call your workmates..
There are a few ups and downs of this year, to be sure.. for one, i only managed to scrounge myself a token holiday for aidilfitri this year, a monstrous 3 day holiday that saw me use up 2 of those days in transit..sad,huh? Anyway, other than that i'm okay, i guess..considering the heaps of stuff i have to do now that i'm on my way to resign my commission from the company. The plus side is that i guess i'm a bit more comfortable now that i actually got what i wanted, and i guess if anything goes wrong it would probably be on my head, and just only my head would be on the chopping block.
There are other time to tell stories, and right now i'm busy, haha! anyway, i will provide updates when more of the shit hits the fan..until then.. adieu..

2006-05-08T06:58:00.000-07:00

Wishing Heart

No teacher to follow, no prophet to tell me how,
But I know what I want, I know what I want now.
Like water, it rushes,
It’s the last thing you see when you close your eyes,
It’s the one place you want to be.
But if it doesn’t brush my shoulder, and it doesn’t beat my heart,
That’s not what I want, that’s not where I will start.
I never kissed somebody so that they would break my heart,
That’s not what I want.
If you don’t know what you’re missing
Cause you don’t know where to start,
Follow your wishing heart.
I was restless,
I just want this to be good,
But you don’t understand,
You don’t understand me, and I want to be understood.
But if it doesn’t brush my shoulder,
And it doesn’t beat my heart,
That’s not what I want - no, that’s not where I will start.
I never kissed somebody so that they would break my heart,
That’s not what I want.
If we all leap before we crawl, we might fall,
And it’s not always candy spun from head to heart,
And it’s not always meant to be,
And it’s not always up to me.
But if it doesn’t brush my shoulders, and it doesn’t beat my heart.
That’s not what I want, that’s not where I will start.
I never kissed somebody so that they would break my heart,
That’s not what I want.
If you don’t know what you’re missing,
’cause you don’t know where to start,
You don’t know what you’re missing
Follow your wishing heart.

2006-01-08T09:19:00.000-08:00

here i am again...i guess it's been awhile since i typed anything in this doggone blog.. well.. i suppose i'll be plain today..I missed her.. i was worried about her.. I know! I know! i gotta be crazy for breaking agreed terms .. i never do that.. sometimes i guess i just can't help it. People that knew me very well almost always tell me about how simple and naive my solutions to my problems might seem. How i could laugh at big problems while small ones i go crazy over.. Call it habit, call it wierd.. but it's still there..lurking in the back of my mind untill my will weakens and my arms shake..Then my mind withers and all that's left are impulses with needs far more primal than what my mind can register..When that happens, i suppose the only thing that could stop me is a huricane or an earthquake (in which case in both cases i'll be dead..which also means no..huhu!) I guess love does that to you..I should know.. Ever since we had that talk my mind did give in.. i guess i realised a lot more than i bargained for, and i found the truth i loathed to find..What is it, you may ask? no.. i'll keep those for myself.. the only one i can reveal is the fact that i can not change the world, no matter how hard i try.. But hey.. life is no picnic and we take one baby step at a time.. I guess knowing what i didn't know helps.. and now i suppose i've changed somewhat..

Anyway, i basically started posting poetry online (plus copyright too!) recently.. i know, there's no money to be had.. but i think reading poetry and writing it is starting to grow on me..:) It's a wonder how much human emotion is poured into something as beautiful as poetry.. lines upon lines of pure feeling.. of laughter and sadness, or joy and anger, all potrayed within rhyming sentences..In proper expression, the reader can laugh or cry, as much as the writers when it was first written..it is beautiful... i remember reading this poem from an american poet regarding the art of poetry.. i can't recall it as a poem but i remember laughing about it and agree somewhat.. You can live, and grow old, feel pleasures and pain, but it's not worth the mundane, if poetry isn't in your life.. kinda cool..

I suppose it's time to sign off again.. it's already 2 o'clock in the morning.. got to get some sleep.. :) anyway.. i just wish before i sleep.. that the hurts of this world, in my life or others are healed better when i wake, and that when it is time the pain will be gone, and the sun will shine all the brighter.. Especially for my honey, to whom i dream endlessly.. Just hold on.. and do contact me if you will.. i do not think anyone should be lonely.. :) cheers for the new year!

2006-01-03T09:13:00.000-08:00

For those times when we wish smiles are desperately needed in this world... :)

2005-12-23T01:33:00.000-08:00

Requiem To A Star

I sat on a hill, on a cloudless night sky,
To feel such peace, none can deny,
Swept to the heavens my eyes roam,
To find a bright star, with the sky as home,

I saw it then, a sight to behold,
To feel a peace, as yet untold,
I watched it then, it's light brightening,
With a light, pale blue as lightning,

My brightening star! oh! Brightening star!
i have come to thee,
We'll sup tonight with fell Orion,
Your starlight shines on me,

I gaped and wondered at heaven's revelrie,
My thoughts removed from place and time,
The other stars will all agree,
Such beauty is this star of mine,

My brightening star! Oh! Brightening star!
in you i have such hope,
to rise high in the mundane sky,
When night time is invoked,

It is thou that helped those ships ashore,
Delivering them from such cruel fates,
It is thou that wishing kids adore,
Giving hope when the hour's late,

I am humbled among such great company,
Granting wishes to all who deserve,
I asked for just one favour,
I small trifle compared to many,

I asked for love, plain and simple,
To give love unending, and be loved in return,
I wished to the star, soft and humble,
That my life be happy at every turn,

I asked for the love filled in my dreams,
To see again impossible beauty,
With wishes so great, yet far it seems,
I hoped the heavens would respond in pity,

Days have passed and weeks wore on,
My life continues, goes on and on,
Some days i return, upon the hill,
Or see the star, upon my sill,

One day i met her, my dreams fulfilled,
We became such friends, we fell in love,
Upon such news, my soul is thrilled,
my prayers answered, by the heavens above,

My requiem finally reached it's end,
My songs, my rhymes is finally now spent,
But forget i did not, of my hill's errand,
My song to the star, Of my road unbent,

The brightening star, so wonderful is it,
It keeps on shining even after i'm gone,
It's light can never ever be dimmed,
It guides mortals from it's heavenly throne..

2005-12-21T18:21:00.000-08:00

A LONG DECEMBER

A long december and there’s reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can’t remember the last thing that you said as you were leaven’
Now the days go by so fast
And it’s one more day up in the canyons
And it’s one more night in hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven...i wish you would
The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that it’s all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl
And it’s one more day up in the canyons
And it’s one more night in hollywood
If you think you might come to california...i think you should
Drove up to hillside manor sometime after two a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her
And it’s been a long december and there’s reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can’t remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass
And it’s one more day up in the canyon
And it’s one more night in hollywood
It’s been so long since I’ve seen the ocean...i guess I should

-Counting Crows

2005-12-16T01:23:00.000-08:00

well, I'm here again.. probably thought another blog *preferably by my own writing* wouldn't really hurt.. anyway, here i am, still basically in the same muck as in my previous predicament..it's been a long road indeed for me to even be here, a year later, back to where i started. Although some people still believed in the idiom of 'home is where the heart is', i suppose it's true.. i do love home, but sometimes i prefer to stay outside, where the world is, even when the world sometimes is an unforgiving place to be.

I just had a long talk with my friends, and i realised now, as i had realised all those years before, the things that makes the world stage play on, the individual actors in life that makes the otherwise dull world into a life of vivid color and imagination, is always tinted with emotion and events full of drama.. love, zest for life, betrayal, and hope. That long talk, as well as my visits to the land of memories constantly reminded me of how much of me had changed over the years, and how much of me actually stayed the same. I know i had been very much a fool in my younger years, turning my own life upside down for things that today i considered trivial, for idealistic changes i know i could not wrought upon the world. I was always crazy enough to try then.. but i know it was my old self that virtually brought down my own world upon my head at one time, much to my own discomfort and dismay. Heh.. i supose life teaches new lessons each time you venture somewhere, and i suppose hard lessons are their fare.. I can't really claim myself as a changed man.. i know enough of myself to see that i am still an ass to myself and others sometimes, but at least i know that my old mistakes, my pride and my foolhardiness must not be repeated again, fo the sake of myself as well as others.. i hope.. :-/

But i guess now times have changed.. friends have changed, responsibilities and attentions go elsewhere. Sometimes i can't help but think of simpler times, when dreaming of a life isn't so criminal, and friends and relationships were less complex than it is now.. I dunno.. i just hope at my rate at least something can be salvaged from my life.. the old and the new.. it'd probably look freakish, in the look like a cross between a fridge and a waffle iron, but i think i can make something out of it.. i think.. Probably isn't used to the term ' growing up' fully yet.. who knows? maybe i'll get there soon.. :P

To lyn.. well, i understand ur redicament.. aside from the stuff i already told you, you won't have to worry then.. :D

To the rest of the readers out there.. stay classy, stay lively..!

2005-12-15T18:42:00.000-08:00

Someone Special

I wake up to the sound of rain upon my sill
Pick up the pieces of my yesterday old thrill
Can I deliver this used up shiver
To how I pronounce my life
And leave it up to faith to go by its own will

Back row to the left
A little to the side
Slightly out of place
Look beyond the light
Where you'd least expect
There's someone special

A foggy morning greets me quietly today
I smell a fragrance in the wind blowing my way
And ever further I run to find her
I yearn to define my life
Placing my faith in chance to meet me in half way

Back row to the left
A little to the side
Slightly out of place
Look beyond the light
Where you'd least expect
There's someone special

And she's here to write her name
On my skin with kisses in the rain
Hold my head and ease my pain
In a world that's gone insane...

2005-12-01T22:44:00.000-08:00

Here i am again..! Well.. honestly.. today would have been a superb day if anything bad didn't happen today... i guess, murphy's law applies today.. Somehow something did went wrong,and i ended up feeling down again..i suppose i did behave like a jerk then, and now i felt like a moron. I never liked that feeling.. the feeling when you think something just went wrong and you can't do a damn thing to fix it. That would be what i'm feeling today, i guess.. I just hope things would get back to normal again.. soon.. Oh! how i missed the early days.. when we smiled always and kept smiling even after the sun went down..seemed like we haven't a care in the world.. well..enough of my rantings.. probably the whisperings of a worried heart, i guess..

2005-11-28T15:47:00.000-08:00

Start With Yourself

When i was young and free my imagination had no limits,
I dreamt of changing the world,
As i grew older and wiser,
I discovered the world would not change,
So I shortened my sights somewhat,
And decide to change only my country,
But it,too,seemed immovable.

As I grew into my twilight years,
In one desperate attempt,
I settled for changing only my family, those closest to me,
But alas, they would have none of it,

And now as I lie on my deathbed,
I suddenly realize,
If only I have changed myself first,
Then by example I would change my family,
From their inspiration and encouragement,
I would have been able to better my country and,
Who knows,
I may have even changed the world...

2005-11-28T09:05:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the first post in my spick and span new blog.. I suppose i might have to introduce myself.. for the uninitiated ( i mean those who don't know me already) My name is Mohd. Faisal Jaffar.. Yes, i'm a muslim, and no, i'm not a terrorist.. I hail from bright, sunny Malaysia, and where am i do you ask? i essentially live anywhere my life choices, and life opportunities take me.. :) Essentially, that's what i am.. Fate walker..

Well, onward to the cooler stuff.. just recently i've landed myself in a quite a sticky situation.. Just one of those days where you'd probably ask where your life is actually heading.. For once i feel it does have a direction.. Although you're somewhat back to square one, with no job, no money and the whole enchilada when you've spent your life out of a job for too long.. But as they say i guess.. at least you have your health.. hmm...a devoted girlfriend maybe, and probably an army of friends you can fall back on when things get a bit blue.. well.. maybe not the last part, but i guess you'll get the drift.. Come to think of it again, sitting around all alone in a crummy apartment in sungai buloh, with home 200 miles away doesn't make the picture any prettier.. it does things to you.. :P

And so now i'm here, trying to scratch a future for myself, and maybe, if god permits, my family.. It does feel kinds dodgy sometimes, considering how times have changed and how far i find myself gone.. Seems like i had a lot to pay for..hmph.. Not a lot of time to pay for it tho..

Well.. onward to a new topic.. Starting this month i suppose i'm no longer a lone ranger.. hehehe! Officially it states that i am now no longer single.. and available.. huhu! The name of the lucky candidate is Lyn, and i should say that she is absolutely gorgeous, with a free spirit i have yet to match. Kinda good, really.. it's not everyday you find someone you absolutely love and is independent enough to handle her own life with total ease.. At times i do feel like "whoa! someone's trying to bite me!" But then again.. i prefer things to be that way.. and honestly, i really have a good feeling about her.. like she's just the thing i needed to get myself back in high gear again.. I love her.. :D

Oh well.. enough of my rantings for now.. maybe i'll come back later when i have the time.. Now.. for that job...